Queuing is not a British invention, you'll find it in every country in the world, bar none. The same protocols for queuing apply here - only more so. Pushing in front, or cutting in line is a no-no. There are few things more likely to raise the ire of the British temperament than ignoring a queue and walking straight to the counter. The Brits like fair play - pushing in is an affront to this sensibility and it's unlikely to be tolerated.

According to researchers at The Telegraph - we Brits spend 6 months of our life queuing. After discussing the weather, a fascination with queuing is our second most popular national trait (with some other peaches like: getting drunk, moaning, wanting our sports teams to fail and a love of curtain twitching). Understandably, the visitor to London may find this a little strange. Not so much the concept of queuing - you get that everywhere. More about the bile you'll unleash if you ignore a queue. You may get away with it, as another top 10 national trait in the UK is 'an inability to complain effectively'. Or you could get lynched. Your dollar.

Post offices, large newsagents and metro supermarkets go for a switch-backed queue trail plus electronic prompts with rising 'game-show' voices. "Cashier number twoooo". If this is confusing and foreign to you - don't worry. There'll be some self-appointed queue marshall ready to nudge you and point at the counter you were heading for anyway. Depend on it. If you're especially lucky a queue-fidget will tensely bob in and out of your personal space, grimacing at their watch. As you progress at a glacial pace to the head of the queue.

Fast-food queues

If you are committed to queue-jumping experiments, it's not advisable in this situation. A kebab shop or chippy may have a queue of no discernible form, but believe me, everyone knows their place. Breezing in and ordering over people "Large Doner, fully loaded - flood it with chili sauce!" won't go un-noticed. More fights kick-off in the UK from this basic queue mis-judgement, than anything else. Brits are not good at complaining, sometimes they just like to react - especially after lager.

A Word About Supermarket Queues.

Here are some general guidelines:

1. Check the age of the cashier - older = generally more experienced. A good one can run a trolley-load through in under two minutes.
2. Queue length is important, but so is what's in the baskets. A young cashier and bottles of booze in everyone's basket = frequent calls for approval - which may delay you. Factor the previous two points in when picking your candidate queue.
3. They'll always open a new till when you've unloaded onto the conveyor belt. Don't try to shovel everything back into the basket, someone will edge you out and you'll just end up embarrassing yourself. And everyone else.
4. Don't change queues, no matter how tempting - or how fast the other queue appears to be moving. Just before you get there, a trolley overflowing with a 'big shop' will cut in before you and 3 more will have joined the queue you left. Others will delight in your misfortune.
5. Look out for the small cardboard 'Toblerone' notice to say that a till's closing. They will be instantly vocal in refusing you and at the end of a long shift beeping shopping through. I can't say I blame them.
6. Queue etiquette. Put the 'next shopper' signs after your groceries. Mostly you'll get a nod, or thanks from the person behind: queue goodwill is maintained. If they ignore your goodwill gesture - take your time packing each item individually, patting your pockets when it comes time to pay, etc. What you reap is what you sow.
7. Express tills - 10 items or less. If you're buying bulky stuff, nine items can fill a basket. If so, just before unloading your shopping to run through the checkout, turn around sharply. I guarantee you will catch people counting up the contents of your basket. If you're within the acceptable limit, eye contact will not be made and mild embarrassment of the uniquely British variety will follow. However, if you have 11 items expect to be called on it. Brits don't like complaining, but they know when rules are being broken - and that's different.

Mention should be made of those ticket spools at the deli, meat or fish counters. You pull a ticket  from a bright red plastic canister and wait till your number's called. Look around at the others. They look miserable because this isn't a queue at all. It's a method of preventing a queue and is unloved in Britain (even though we appreciate Bingo number-calling and the system's obviously fair). It's just no fun and feels like an idea imported from elsewhere. Sometimes the machine will jam or run out of paper and a lively broken queue will start to form. "Who's next" "Me!... "...Erm! I was next, actually". Smiles will return to faces - guaranteed.

Non-queuing Situations

Bus queues in London - it starts out in good faith, especially in busy morning periods, but all it takes is two different buses to come at the same time and the queue fragments into a bum-rush for the doors. You can't beat 'em, so join 'em.

Traffic queuing - road rage is a national sport and obsession in the UK and London has the most outrageous traffic behaviour in the land. I was at a 4 lane crossroads recently when a car jumped the lights, did a full 360 degree doughnut, halting all the traffic, missing a dozen cars by inches and leaving a big rubber 'O' on the road and 100 smaller 'o's plastered onto the faces of other drivers. The reason? For a laugh - innit? Although queuing is respected outside motor vehicles, inside your impenetrable metal box, a significant portion will cut in whenever the tiniest shred of an opportunity presents itself.

January sales. It looks like a queue, but the minute that door opens anything is game. I went to Ikea during a post-Christmas sale and the experience marked me. People were snatching at everything, especially things they didn't want - simply because they were criminally cheap and they'd rather you didn't have it. Queues are not a consideration when bargains are to be had.

The Future of Queuing in Britain

Queues are on the way out, according to research by the Telegraph (again - officially the Inside Guide's queue oracle of Britain). Internet and the instant gratification of a mouse-click purchase, is eroding our meek acceptance of the queue in British society. 51% will now instantly leave a shop if they encounter the merest hint of a queue inside. Shocking - but true. We've officially become 'too important' to queue. It also comes with an indirect, but trait-related problem. If we don't queue, we'll have far less to moan about and that's a worry. The weather can only stretch so far.

(I tell you what though... It's freezing today, isn't it?    Hmm?)

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